Humor ^_^ 1st one has language PG 13

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish.

He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

A teacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.

The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."

The teacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.

His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Teachers aren't supposed to talk like that."

The teacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the teacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.

His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the f**king potatoes!" =D

This is an actual job application a 17-year-old boy submitted at a McDonald’s fast-food establishment in Florida – and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I were in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?

Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS? Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?

I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?

I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?

On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?

Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?

Yes – Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

Lmfao! This kid is stupid

Did you like it though? Other then being funny..

Found another... go to https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=60og9gwKh1o

Fat guy singing...

LOLz, I know another one of those stories xD
and lol at the mcdick's application, I read it a few years ago lolz.

Dog named Sex
verybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." - My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."

More fat people...kinda mean though..if you think it's said...https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6_9MCIzKyUk&NR=1

Lol, yeah that's kinda mean. :/
*Ahem*
The following spoiler contains mature content and coarse language that may not be suitable for the younger audience. Discretion is advised.
You've been warned. (;

Spoiler:

Where did you get that one??

I got it from my friend o____o
here's another lolz,
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were stuck on an island for many, many years until one day they found a magic lamp. They rubbed it hard and out popped a genie. He said that he could only give three wishes so since there were three girls, each would get one wish. The redhead went first. 'I hate it here. It is too hot and boring. I want to go home!' 'Okay,' replied the genie. And off she went. Then the brunette went. 'I miss my family, my friends and relatives. I want to go home, too!!' And off she went. The blonde started crying and said, 'I wish my friends were back here!'

^ that's just mean...lol

Okay
This is a true story me and my friend experienced when i was 12 in 7th grade
and this memorie we 3 wont forget maybe its not funny but to me it is, i can still remember it form this day on.
Here it goes:

Emily, Anna, Kiana- in school we call her walking stick/tree/and toothpick
5'2.......5'6.......6'2 -hieght

so we were Bored and we don't hangout wit that toothpick and we didn't plan this either
me and kiana are like not mature and we went in the beach its like a place where u can go fishing and sit on benches and relax, and thers like a long railing that blocks any1 from falling into the ocean or rocks, so we went down to the beach
kiana the dumbass was wearing flats Example:
http://z.about.com/d/shoes/1/0/f/2/mischa_barton_keds_shoes_ballet_flats.jpg

and she went down onto the beach and i was wearing Jordan air force 1 (:
she got some sand in her flats and she didn't feel confertable so then she used one of her folders
and put it on a log and put one of her flats on the log (which i suggest) then she went to get something
a second later the water went so high it took the flats with it so then the flats was like 24 inchs away from the beach and the folder was way farther so she was like

EMILY!!! GET MY SHOE BACK!! in like a sad crying voice and i went and got her shoe back and my both shoes got wet tht son of a bitch

so after getting her shoe back she found a bottle and got like 2inch of water and poured it on her shoe like 30mins later i was like
omg how long is this gunna take
so we decided to go to seaport its like a shopping mall abercrombie coach footlocker food court
and sorta like that so she got there barefooted and it was like a 10min walk LOL

and i know u know that mall bathrooms are like all marble and nice and stuff
so she STANDS and puts her leg in the sink and wash her feet and shoes im like.. yea okay
so after she did that the floor was all wet and sink so we left

and after that day i just keep remember this moment in my life GOOD TIMES<3

^ random thing...good story though 100 POSTS

Gratz lol.

Things To Do in an Elevator
# Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
# Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
# Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"
# Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
# Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
# Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
# Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
# One word: Flatulence!
# Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
# Meow occasionally.
# Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
# Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
# Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
# Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
# Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
# Leave a box between the doors.
# Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
# Start a sing-along.
# When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
# Say "Ding!" at each floor.
# Lean against the button panel.
# Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
# Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
# Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
# Bring a chair along.
# Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
# Blow spit bubbles.
# Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
# Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
# Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
# Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
# If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"

I've done all the starred ones hahahahahah!
It's fricken hilarious!

O___o lol wth

Try it, lolz

lol ima try the "say ding on each floor"

w00t!
I wanna try this one...
"Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side. "
xDD

huh i dun get it

what part? o___O

the whole thing u sed

Well...you haven't ever eaten a cabbage you Simpson episode...where Bart breaks his leg, and the get a swimming pool

@genees: ??
@emily: Oh, lol, just walk in an elevator with a cooler that says "human head'' on it. XD

rofl good one<333

You took that from a Simpson episode..